Fall3n

Spring 2006

When I think about the year Tony was deployed, my heart is filled with both joy and heartache.  Joy for the amazing year of seeing Eli grow and learn.  Seeing his first everythings – first tooth, first real food, first word, first step, etc.  It’s also filled with heartache because of poor choices.  Poor choices in fights, poor choices in my own decisions…

My stomach turns to even write about this year.  There was so much grief, more than I talk about, more than I like to think about – more than I choose to remember.  Maybe this is one of the roots to my continual need of healing and grace from Christ.

I saw Tony a total of 30 or so days that entire year, and many of them were filled with fights or sadness.  It seemed like any time we were together, we would be fighting about something.  We would CHOOSE to allow a disagreement to ruin the short weekend or week we had together.  The unity we did have surrounded its self around parenting Eli and enjoying the “new” things he was doing.  Anyone relate to this in their life?  I’m sure there are more of you than would care to talk about this.  But have faith if you are out there.  There are better days.  Humility is for the strong, not the weak.  Choose humility and your fights will fade.

At home, we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment by ourselves (Eli and I), there were many many lonely days and nights.  I cried myself to sleep if I wasn’t already awake trying to get our stubborn sleeper to sleep himself.  Phone calls were frequent, but on the nights and days I did not hear from Tony, I would wonder what he was doing, and if he was ok.  He was part of an infantry unit and they would frequently be on long missions, with days at a time of no communication.  The phone calls were better than in person talks usually.  But when they were bad, there was no way to call back and apologize.  No way to take back what could have been the last words spoken so many times.  My heart aches at the thought of these moments.  If I could go back in time and re-do life, these would be the days I would choose.

I also fell personally during this time.  I let my real relationship with God slip, and started to look for other fillers.  Eli was first and foremost, but when there was no Tony around, I was left so lonely.  I deeply wanted companionship or distraction.  I tried pouring into my family, but it didn’t work out the way I had hoped.  Weekends were the worst.  Everyone was busy doing something or being somewhere – but me, I had nothing.  Family said it was too much to have Eli there during their “rest” time…friends were busy with their family….and I was alone.  I fell.  I can count two times that I fell, and I fell hard – I looked for satisfaction and intimacy and distraction from porn.  I said it, I said the 4 letter taboo word that no one likes to talk about or admit.  It’s one of the ugliest words in our language.  Images and horrible feelings and emotions are tied to this one word for many many people.  For some, it’s their master to whom they are enslaved to.  To others, it’s the devil who took away their beloved husband or wife.  To others it’s a sick sinful trap that they get caught in once or twice and feel a lifetime of regret.  That last one would be me.  I look back and question myself – why?  Why would I want to see something that makes me sick?  Is it like the people who compulsively eat non-food items?  Is it our broken sinful nature prodding us to do something against what God’s plan and design is?  Maybe a blend of those – maybe loneliness, but that would be the worst reason I think.  It’s not giving you companionship – it’s driving you away from it.  Makes you hide and regret and pull away from others.  As a victim of rape, this was the last place I EVER thought I would be.  But that’s the truth, and it’s been a long road and continues to be a long road away from it.

I hid my actions from my husband and punished him for things he didn’t do – accusing him of all sorts of things.  My thinking was, if I had done this – then what had he done???  But my thinking was distorted.  I was disconnected from reality.  I needed to live life without always thinking someone else was doing something wrong, and to be on the lookout for signs of it.  Searching web history, looking at everything that crossed his eyes, pestering him with meticulous questions of where he had been or what took him so long.  These are the days I wish I could erase.  That’s the not so funny thing about sin.  You can’t.  It is forgiven, but it’s not gone.  We are broken, we cannot just forget and move on perfectly like Christ can.  Trust is not the same as forgiveness.  When you lose trust, it takes time to rebuild.

My hope is that I can help others to rebuild their broken lives. My hope is to keep rebuilding mine.  To be free one day from the pain of my past.  Sadly, we will never be completely free until Christ returns and makes all things new.  How I long for that day.

So th3 mov3r waits…